Shitless

Fear,
you spiral upward and down
the flip side of my core
and now unleashing you
letting the lid  of Pandora fly,

I find solitude…….

I’m afraid,
of losing drive,
driving out of control,
hitting brick walls,
and completely
losing
focus.

I’m afraid,
of brightest lights,
having no talent,
being pricked
with needles of eyes.

Afraid of falling on ice
in a short skirt,
falling from vertiginous heights,
falling in love.

I am afraid of trusting,
having faith,
of not being caught,
of being held down,
being held back,
and being left out.

I’m afraid of showing my woman,
my child,
and never enough lady.

Afraid of sinking into
and settling for.

I’m afraid
of being disrespected,
disrespectful,
being nice,
being a bitch.

I’m afraid of being ample,
inadequate,
being completely misunderstood,
and never showing enough slip.

I’m afraid of being found out,
exposed heart,
shining my truest alma.

Afraid of average,
every girl,
everyday,
ordinary.

I’m afraid of dark cold water,
walking on the street alone
in the green-tinged hours of morning.

I am afraid of being left
and floating in the
grayest ambiguity
of leaving.

Terrified!
of what ifs,
should haves,
could haves.

I’m afraid
of being led astray,
of straying from my heart,
and turning on my soul.

You ask, “are you ever scared?”
I turn to you,
reply in one breath
one word…shitless.

copyright 2009  Jennifer Brinn

Reality Show

 

Reality Show

reality-illusion

 

I’ll never forget the time I dropped to my knees in excruciating pain. I just turned 30 and was going back to school for my degree in Creative Writing. I was just three quarters away from graduating and whammo! A bulging disc in the lumbar region of my spine intruded upon my sciatica nerve, sending searing pain down my right leg. I woke from a nap between classes and waiting tables that evening to find myself dropping to the floor and crawling to a telephone. I endured three tedious months of dealing with mind-bending pain, in addition to a relationship that was on the rocks, having to drop out of school and no job. A long story short, since I had no interest in holistic healing methods back then, the injury healed from a cortisone shot to the spine. I vowed to be a better inhabitant of my body and to take gentler care of it. That injury and the very challenging time that came with it, made me seek reflection and inner healing. That injury opened the door to yoga, meditation and an opening of my senses. All of which ultimately led me to Reiki and the amazing practice I’ve had for over a decade.

I bet you can remember at least one circumstance where you felt life handed you a big pile of caca, but once you got on the other side of it, you found something so much better waiting for you. It’s in these moments when we can have gratitude and gain momentum for whatever we’re experiencing now.

Whether it’s a job we despise, relationship troubles or even a health issue. How we deal with these circumstances shapes our overall perspective and mood. If the constant loop in our head is, “Life is hard, this sucks.” then guess what? It will be. However, if we look at our circumstances and find the loopholes, the workarounds, and even the pockets of joy..and trust me they are there…then we begin to retain more energy and become more fluid with life.

There’s the saying that ‘everything happens for a reason’. We don’t know exactly what that reason is. It may or may not ever become apparent to us. All we can do is make a choice. There are two options available to us in challenging circumstances: Flow with it or get caught in the downward spiral.

Remember that energy follows focus. Whatever we focus on, that is where our energy will go. The circumstances do not define you, how you deal with them does. So go have a fabulous long weekend, regroup, gather your light and bring your A-game on Monday because that is who you really are.

 

jenniferbrinn.com  Coaching : Healing : Training      newheadshot

Your Being

Your Being

 

truestate

The other evening we sadly paid our respects to a friend of my beau’s who passed away unexpectedly and much too soon last week. I only met her once a year ago, and I instantly got that she was a free, vibrant spirit who loved life with her entire being.

Memorial services for people I barely know always take me by surprise. I go thinking, “Why am I here, I didn’t even know this person?” Yet by the end of each service I find myself melting into a puddle of tears from all the stories shared by people who loved them. Whether it’s an elder whose body has given out or a younger person who leaves this world long before they’re due, the imprints they leave upon those around them are so profoundly felt in their memorial. The stories shared about people, their lives, the ones they touched leave me wondering if they knew? Did this woman who passed know that she contributed so much to so many by just being herself? One of her friends spoke  about how she would light up the room with her trademark blend of elegance, poise and childlike playfulness. And then she said, “You know, these days, we celebrate people for their accomplishments, what they ‘do’, what they ‘have’… but we don’t celebrate people for just ‘being’. My friend was perfect because she just knew how to ‘be herself’.”

I saw how simply being herself touched so many people she left behind. And it got me thinking about how we position and posture for this thing & that and so often shove ourselves off the path of just being who we innately are and appreciating each other as such…even in our imperfections.

We meander around our relationships with friends, family, lovers and even strangers with the blinders of who’s doing what, and is it enough…and we miss actually seeing and embracing the spirit within them. We’re all here, trying to do exactly the same thing, which is living our lives for such a short time on this planet. So take a moment today to just soften our hearts. Drop the resentments and the defensive plays, and expand beyond that which holds us back from our own ‘being’. You might be surprised how special it can be in someone else’s life.

 

jenniferbrinn.com   coaching : reiki healing : training  newheadshot